Back at College January 4, 2009

The time has come for me to throw myself into another term of college, and the big question is whether or not I’m ready to follow another intense term.  Last term definitely had a lot of low points, which were all my fault and all due to a bad attitude.  My first assignment is due Tuesday in one of my classes, and I’m going to work on that in a few minutes.  However, I just thought that I’d reflect a little on the sermon at church today.  I’m glad I went, even if it meant that I missed out on several hours of necessary sleep, because I really needed to hear the message of this sermon.

Of course, with Tuesday being Epiphany, the subject was Epiphany and our need to seek Jesus.  The great part, though, was the moment I realized that I still don’t know Jesus.  In fact, I’m a bit scared to get to know Him.  I mean, what if He asks me to change everything?  What if He wants me to drop out of college?  Also, I realized that I’m still not really aware of the message of the Cross.  I know the facts, but those facts have never reached my heart.  I don’t really like to think about it, either.  That somebody, anybody, would have to die because I was sinful is just hard for me to accept.  However, it’s the truth.

2009 is going to be a year where I really seek Jesus.  I may not have much to give Him or much to offer anybody, for that matter, but I’m going to love Him.  I want to learn what loving Him truly is and what it means to love Him with my whole being.

Some Thoughts on Death (Inspired by a Dying Pet) December 28, 2008

My sister’s rabbit, Candy, is about to die.  We’ve had Candy for 9 or so years (she’s about 10 1/2), and she’s a wonderful rabbit.  It will be a hard loss for my family, especially my sister.  Now, facing this reminder of mortality has made me reflect on my own mortality.

Earlier this year, I became absolutely paralyzed by agoraphobia (the fear of everything).  While this woke me up and brought me to a position where I could finally accept Christ as my savior, it also made my life miserable for about 6 months.  Fear of death was a very prominent part of the problem.  Watching Candy die has brought it up again.

I think I’ve finally begun to make peace with my mortality.  Unless the Lord arrives in the very near future, I’m going to die sooner or later.  It’s just a fact.  There is no Fountain of Youth to prevent it.  I’m not sure I would even want to drink from it if there was.  Isn’t life precious because it’s limited?

God has given me today, and today is all I need right now.  “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  Not only is that an awesome scripture, it pretty much sums up my life philosophy right now.  I try to let all my worries and all my stress melt in rejoicing in the day I’ve been given by the Lord.  I don’t know for sure that I have a tomorrow, or even an afternoon today, but I know I have right now.  I want to serve God moment by moment, loving Him with my whole heart and rejoicing in the gifts He has given me.  When I do this, I realize that that’s what I was made to do.

Putting God in My Christmas December 24, 2008

So, in two days I’m going to celebrate Jesus’ birthday.  I kept wondering about what kind of gift I could possibly give Him on His birthday.  Being the only “extreme, religious” person in my family (a term I don’t like so much), I found it slightly humorous to see my little brother’s reaction when I explained that Christmas is Jesus’ birthday.  Then I realized that I don’t actually know that.  I tend to treat Christmas much like the secular holiday it has turned into thanks to the growing commercialization of our culture.  What can I do, I asked myself, to celebrate Jesus’ birthday rather than “the holidays”?

I’m still open to suggestions.  I’m fairly new to this whole Christian thing.  I was raised Mormon up until age 13 (yes, I have done “baptism for the dead”), and after that I wavered between lots of other things.  However, what I’ve decided for now is just to spend the day in a quieter, calmer way focused on Jesus and His ultimate gift to humanity.  I also want to renew the gift of my heart, my mind, my strength, and my soul to Him.  I’m hoping to make this Christmas all about Christ.

Hoping for Perfection December 20, 2008

New Years is coming, just as it comes every year, and the most horrible thing about it is New Year’s Resolutions. 

I like new beginnings, but I don’t like the New Year.  Why? I get stuck in this mentality that I have to be perfect, that it’s my one chance to finally iron out all my faults and figure everything out.  I’ve already thought about the ten things I’m going to work on, and I know that I’ll just get discouraged when it doesn’t turn out exactly the way I planned it.

I can already see the perfect me: attractive, healthy, thoughtful, organized, confident, motivated, wonderful, etc.  Unfortunately, that person only exists in my imagination.  I have to admit, when I examine my life, that I’m rather plain, unhealthy, impatient, disorganized, etc.

Recently, though, I’ve been realizing more and more that this fantasy is hurting my life.  I get so frustrated when I make mistakes that I take it out on other people – and even God occasionally.  I replay all the embarrassing moments of my life over and over in my head until I want to cry.  Not only is it hurting my life, it’s a form of selfishness and conceit.  Selfishness, because I focus only on myself, never on others, and conceit because I believe that, somewhere deep in my heart, that I, out of all people, can someday obtain that perfection. 

Realizing this, I had a sudden realization last night: I can’t be perfect.  I can try to improve, but I will never be perfect.  It took me a long time to let go of myself, but now I have decided that God is the only One who can even get this unmotivated, lazy person moving in the right direction.  I asked God to redefine me and help me become more the person He wants me to be.  It may not be the person I want to be.  But that person isn’t real anyways and is all about being recognized by the rest of the world as a magnificent person.  Why should I try pretending to be something I’m not?

Cool Christmas Quotes December 18, 2008

I love reading quotes.  I thought I’d share some great Christmas quotes on the blog.

He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.  ~Roy L. Smith

Christmas, children, is not a date.  It is a state of mind.  ~Mary Ellen Chase

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home!  ~Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1836

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.  ~Charles Dickens

I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day.  We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year.  As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year.  And thus I drift along into the holidays – let them overtake me unexpectedly – waking up some find morning and suddenly saying to myself:  “Why, this is Christmas Day!”  ~David Grayson

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?  It came without ribbons.  It came without tags.  It came without packages, boxes or bags.  And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore.  Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before.  What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store.  What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.  ~Dr. Seuss

I truly believe that if we keep telling the Christmas story, singing the Christmas songs, and living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to this world.~ Norman Vincent Peale (1898-1993), American Protestant religious leader, author.

In far less eloquent words, Christmas is wonderful!

The Bible in 40 Days December 18, 2008

The college I attend isn’t very Christian.  Actually, let’s just call it one of the more secular colleges in the country.  I wasn’t exactly a practicing Christian when I chose colleges, and I don’t think I would have picked a Christian college anyways.  Getting money from my parents to pay for tuition may have perhaps been a factor in my exclusively secular college choices.

To get back to the point, which by now is lost in the dust somewhere, I did pick to live on the all-girl floor.  And on that all-girl floor is the greatest concentration of Christians outside the Christian interest house.  Luckily, my roommate is also Christian.  In our dorm room, once a week, we have these “strengthening sessions” where we share our stresses, challenges, and other stuff.  For our long winter break (41 days, my friends), three of us decided to try reading the Bible in 40 days. 

My parents laughed at me when I shared this with them, but I’m not sure I expected much else.  I’d say they fear half the time that I’m going to go off the deep end and join some sort of cult.  The other half the time, I have no idea what they think.  I love my parents deeply.  They are wonderful parents.  However, we have very few similarities.

Actually, if I keep up with my readings the plan isn’t so bad.  However, I haven’t written on my blog in so long because I fell behind – three days or so behind to be exact.  It’s not that I don’t read those days; I just don’t finish it all.  So I just caught up again today.  It was one long day of reading and then being absolutely lazy and watching soap operas.  The soap operas make me reflect on the fact that my life isn’t actually as filled with drama as I think it is.  They also negate whatever spiritual effect the Bible readings may have had by slowly killing my brain.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving reading the Bible.  It’s great.  I just can’t read 10% of it in one day without overloading.  I feel like I’ve grown a lot through this process and gained an added level of dedication in my life (something I desperately need).  Besides, it’s really cool to see the common threads so clearly.  However, I think this isn’t going to be an annual thing.  I think I’ll get more out of the Bible if I read it slowly to absorb more.  So on January 1st I’m starting a year-long Bible reading plan right off.